


you were my wish

by kihyuks



Series: hyungwon bingo [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 11:11, Angst, Dreams, M/M, References to Depression, pls make sure to read the notes before reading!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 09:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18990256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyuks/pseuds/kihyuks
Summary: hyungwon sees a man appear at exactly 11:11. and at 11:12 he's gone.





	you were my wish

**Author's Note:**

> for the **11:11/dream** squares.
> 
> ok so because trigger warnings r very spoilery i'm putting them AT THE BOTTOM in the notes down there. if you have triggers or may be sensitive to certain things, i suggest reading those notes before reading this. i don't want to leave out a trigger warning bc that's unfair, but i also don't want to spoil this since the potential trigger spoils the ending. this was written in a way which it is implied and you might be able to figure it out as it's written, but i like how the story goes with it not being said outright. so again, please click below where it says 'more notes' to read the trigger warnings if you think you might need it.
> 
> with that out of the way, idk why im posting fics Again but. here we r. idk what exams are anymore
> 
> also full disclosure: i'm writing for two prompts for each fic (other than one where my prompts overlap) for the bingo to give myself more of a challenge since i get bingos a lot of the time easily. this said, this will only count as being towards one prompt and therefore i'll only be making one bingo. as a mod of the bingo i let myself do this for fun n chloe had no issue with it. honestly dont know if anyone cares but i wanted to put it out there if someone might think im cheating at my own bingo kdjuhiewhuew

The first time Hyungwon sees him, he believes it’s just a figment of his imagination. His tired mind playing tricks on him.

It’s 11:11pm, Thursday night. He’s had a long, exhausting day at work. He’s cuddled up in his bed, taking only the right side. He always leaves the left side undisturbed, as if someone else is there.

But no one else is there. Because Hyungwon lives alone in his house made for two.

He’s warm, comfortable. Ready to fall asleep.

And then, he blinks and there’s a man standing in the corner of his room. He’s smiling at Hyungwon, a look of affection on his face.

Hyungwon stares back blankly.

There’s a man in his room and Hyungwon doesn’t recognise him.

The clock strikes 11:12pm.

As quickly as he appeared, the man vanishes. Gone from existence. Like he was never there in the first place.

Hyungwon sits up slightly, looking at that corner of the room with a frown. There was a man there, and now he’s gone.

He decides his sleep deprived mind is playing tricks on him. There was never a man in his room. Why would there be a man in his room?

It doesn’t make sense because Hyungwon lives alone. As he always has.

And when he finally falls asleep that night in his warm cocoon of blankets, Hyungwon dreams of the pretty man with the beautiful smile who he saw in his room. The man who doesn’t exist.

 

* * *

 

Hyungwon forgets about the man. He files it away in the back of his mind. He has a big project coming up at work that requires his full attention, so he can’t think about anything else.

Days pass by.

Hyungwon goes about his usual routine. Wake up, drink coffee, get the train, do work, come home, go to bed. And repeat.

Every day is the same. A repeat of the last.

It’s monotone, but Hyungwon enjoys it. It gives him structure. A routine. Something to focus on.

Something to make him forget about the man. To forget about the emptiness he feels inside.

At night, Hyungwon dreams of soft touches, lingering kisses, warm smiles. He doesn’t know where these dreams came from. He doesn’t know who the other person in the dreams is. If it even is the same person each time.

Hyungwon is lonely.

He realises, after another consecutive dream, that he’s lonely.

He’s in a house made for two, but there’s no one to share it with.

Dating isn’t something Hyungwon usually thinks about. He’s been perfectly content on his own this whole time.

He has his friends, even if he doesn’t see them as often as he’d like. That’s enough.

It should be enough.

So, why is Hyungwon so lonely? Why is he wishing he had someone to share his house, his life, his heart with?

He blames the dreams.

It must be the dreams.

 

* * *

 

Hyungwon sees the man for a second time on the day his routine is broken.

There’s an issue at the office. Something related to the computers. Hyungwon isn’t sure, he barely skim read the email.

He doesn’t have to be at work until midday.

So, he sleeps again. Tries to rid himself of his exhaustion.

And when he’s standing at the train station at 11:11am, a train passes by the platform in front of him. And when the train is past, he sees the man across the platform, smiling at him once again.

He’s looking at Hyungwon. Smiling at him. Like he knows Hyungwon. Like he cares for Hyungwon.

But Hyungwon doesn’t know who the man is.

He can only stare back, confused.

Who is he? Why does he keep appearing? Is he the reason for Hyungwon’s strange dreams?

So many questions. No answers.

Another train passes by. The clock strikes 11:12am. The man is gone.

 

* * *

 

The dreams don’t stop. Every night, he dreams of the touches. The kisses. The hugs.

He ignores his dreams. Puts them to the back of his mind.

He might be lonely, but he’s not alone.

He has his friends.

Or so he tells himself.

He hasn’t spoken to any of them in a long time. He sees Hyunwoo sometimes. They live down the same street. And Hyunwoo gives him that sad smile and he tells Hyungwon he’s there for him when he needs him. They’re all there for him.

Hyungwon doesn’t know why Hyunwoo says it. He appreciates it, but he doesn’t know why. Hyungwon is fine. Hyungwon is okay with being alone.

But he’s still lonely.

He looks at his notifications. Texts from Minhyuk asking how he is. Missed calls from Hoseok. Messages in his group chat with Jooheon and Changkyun.

He ignores them all.

He can get back to them another time. Some other time when the fog in his mind has lifted. When he isn’t so exhausted.

He’s sure his friends understand. Sometimes Hyungwon just needs to be alone.

So why is he so lonely?

 

* * *

 

Hyungwon doesn’t know why he’s at the bar. He doesn’t enjoy drinking.

But he wants to forget.

To forget about the loneliness. The dreams. The man.

Hyungwon just wants to forget.

So, he drinks. He drinks and drinks and drinks until he can’t stand up straight and people start giving him concerned looks.

He ignores them.

Hyungwon makes his way outside. Unsteady on his feet.

He plants a hand against the wall to keep himself upright.

The wall is cold. He leans his head against it. It’s soothing. It makes him feel better.

And when he pulls back from the wall, at 11:11pm outside that bar on a Friday evening, he sees the man again.

The man is standing near him, leaning against the wall. That same look adorns his face. Loving.

Hyungwon is drunk. And that man is standing there again.

He reaches out this time. He reaches his hand towards the man. But he’s too far away. Just slightly too far. Out of Hyungwon’s reach.

The man frowns.

A difference from the previous times. The times when he only smiled.

The man reaches forward, much like Hyungwon.

His fingertips are so close to Hyungwon’s own. So close they’re almost touching.

But then the clock strikes 11:12pm and the man is gone.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, Hyungwon finds things around his house that he knows aren’t his. Shampoo he’s never used. Books he’s never read. Clothes that are too small for him.

Hyungwon doesn’t know where any of the items came from.

They sit there, in their place, as if they belong.

But they don’t belong. Because they’re not Hyungwon’s and Hyungwon lives alone. So why are they there?

When he finds them, he takes a box out from the back of his closet and puts the items in there. Puts them away and shoves them into the dark where he can’t see or think about them.

They’re not his items. He doesn’t need them.

 

* * *

 

The dreams continue.

They become clearer as time goes on. They’re always the same, the same touches and kisses, but the other person slowly comes more and more into view.

First, Hyungwon sees their smile. That beautiful smile.

Then, their eyes.

The rest of their face.

Their body.

Hyungwon is dreaming about the man who doesn’t exist.

He starts to think maybe he should go see someone. Figure out what’s going on with him. Understand why he sees that man. That man who doesn’t exist. And why he dreams of him.

But he doesn’t go.

He doesn’t need to see anyone. Hyungwon is just fine on his own.

He’s fine being alone in his house made for two.

He just gets lonely sometimes.

 

* * *

 

He sees the man at work. At 11:11am when he’s working on his project, across the office he sees the man.

He’s frowning still.

He looks sad. Hurt.

Hyungwon doesn’t like to see him sad.

But he’s in an office full of people. And the man doesn’t exist. So, he looks away. He ignores the man.

And when he looks back, at 11:12am, the man is gone.

Hyungwon cries. He starts to cry, sat there at his desk, and his coworkers start to give him concerned looks.

He gets pulled away into a different room. He can’t tell who by.

His boss is speaking to him. Telling him to take the rest of the day off.

Hyungwon nods numbly and leaves.

He goes back home and he lies in his bed and cries.

He doesn’t know why he’s crying.

He wonders if the man would care that he cries.

 

* * *

 

Someone knocks at his door. It wakes him up.

He’s glad.

He dreamt about the man again. And those touches.

He always dreams about that man. Whoever he is.

Hyungwon opens his door and Hoseok is there.

He looks concerned, chewing on his lower lip in worry.

Hyungwon lets him in.

He sits in his kitchen, drinking a mug of coffee, while Hoseok updates him about what’s going on in everyone’s lives. What Hyungwon has missed since he stopped talking to his friends.

A part of him feels guilty. Guilty for ignoring them. For letting them worry.

But Hyungwon needs to be alone.

He doesn’t reply to Hoseok, he lets him speak.

He listens. He takes in his words. But he doesn’t reply.

He doesn’t need to. Hoseok will understand.

And the clock strikes 11:11am and the man appears beside Hoseok.

Hyungwon’s eyes go wide. He stares at the man, gaping.

Hoseok notices and he looks at the spot next to him. But he looks confused.

Hyungwon knows Hoseok doesn’t see the man.

And Hyungwon begins to cry again. Because he’s not okay. He’s alone and he’s not okay. Even though he tells himself he is.

He sobs into Hoseok’s arms, hearing the reassurances from Hoseok, and he tries to focus on those. Not on the man in his kitchen.

But the man vanishes, like he always does.

And Hyungwon cries harder.

He lets Hoseok hug him and take care of him as he cries.

He lets Hoseok take him to his bed. Give him a glass of water. Tell him to get some sleep.

So Hyungwon sleeps.

And he dreams of the man who doesn’t exist.

 

* * *

 

Hyungwon decides he wants to change his life around a bit.

He decides to redecorate. Throw out all the things he doesn’t need anymore. Donate the things that have a use to other people and not him.

He works on it all week. On his week holiday from work.

He booked it off a long time ago. He doesn’t remember why.

There’s an email about his missed flight. And his hotel he never made it to. He ignores it. It’s not important.

He goes through his whole house. He clears out everything he doesn’t need anymore. He reorganises and redecorates. Tries to make his house for two a house for one.

He sits down in front of the chest of drawers. He looks at the bottom drawer, the one he never opens.

He’s afraid to open it. He doesn’t know why.

Ignoring his fear, Hyungwon opens the drawer.

He finds scrapbooks and photobooks. Tons of them.

A small box sits in the back corner.

He takes it out and opens it.

A ring.

The ring he was going to use to propose.

He takes out one of the photobooks and flips through it and he cries.

The memories all come flooding back to him.

His first holiday out of the country with Kihyun.

When Kihyun told Hyungwon he loves him for the first time.

Hyungwon’s birthday a few years back when Kihyun threw him a surprise party.

The day they bought their house together.

All those days and nights they spent together.

The touches. The kisses. The hugs.

His mind races and the tears fall.

Kihyun. Kihyun. Kihyun.

He goes through all of the photobooks and the scrapbooks. He remembers all the good times.

He remembers the day of the accident. The day he lost Kihyun.

He remembers it all so clearly.

How could he have forgotten for so long? Forgotten about the most important person in his life.

He didn’t forget. Not really. He never forgot.

He just didn’t think about it. It was easier that way.

So, if he’s honest with himself he made himself forget. Forced the memories out of his mind.

He didn’t forget, but he also forgot. He shouldn’t have forgotten.

Hyungwon sobs. He holds the last photo they took together before the accident in his hands.

The clock strikes 11:11pm and Hyungwon feels a hand on his shoulder.

He looks up. He sees the man smiling down at him.

He sees Kihyun.

And when the clock strikes 11:12pm and Kihyun has vanished once more, Hyungwon vows to never forget again.

He’ll never forget.

And as he sits in his house made for two, he realises why he’s felt so lonely.

Because he is lonely.

Kihyun is gone and Hyungwon is alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: grief, mourning, death of a character, vague allusions to depression (as mentioned in the tags)  
> in this fic kihyun has passed away. he died prior to the fic starting, and this fic explores hyungwon's mourning process. i haven't added major character death due to spoilers and i'm not sure how much it counts for that tag. however, i didn't want to not give the trigger warning in case people may be sensitive to death. it isn't outright stated in the fic, worded as 'kihyun is gone' and the only mentions to how he died are that he was in an accident. i purposefully kept it as vague as i possibly could.
> 
> kudos & comments appreciated :3


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